Thursday, 23 April 2015

College characters 3


Waiting in line at the clocking out machine is never boring here at UNSIS. I wile away the minutes inventing stories, characters and lookalikes for many of our Mexican Professor counterparts. Here are just a few of the recent comparisons:

"Ze Germans are coming": I've documented their presence in other posts, but putting an actual swastika next to their image makes me feel better. These are the terse women whose job is to check that professors are in the class at the appointed hour. Surely cameras could do a better job, and whoever monitors them might even learn something. Seeing a 'clipboard Nazi' outside my classroom ready to mark down my arrival time makes me walk slower. I want them to wait to give me my tick. We often imitate them gliding around smugly with an imaginary clipboard. One of my colleagues actually records the time that they arrive in front of them.

Edna: Edna is a recent arrival to the English department. She is a lot of fun and a good person to have in the group - but my God is she loud! You better make sure someone is sitting in between you and her in a meeting otherwise you might have to make a swift exit with a perforated ear drum. What made her stand out as the classic Simpsons schoolteacher is her rampant alcoholism frequent shouts from her office of "Ha!" - exactly like Bart's teacher herself. Her teaching style appears a little less tired and jaded than that of Edna, but she is known as a bit of a flapper when it comes to the Mexican gentlemen. The same guy who checks the clipboard Nazis also likes to tally her swear words every meeting.


The Narco golf pro: This is one of those "say what you see" nicknames. This Mexican prof looks like he's arrived from the 18th tee via a Cartel clothing store. He looks like Angel Cabrera with two pounds of bling. He looks like a pimped up Davis Love III. He looks like a gun toting Ian Poulter. He has got all the gear, mirrored sunglasses, wide trousers, a baffling variety of hats and omnipresent golfing gloves too. Maybe I'll get play a swift 9 with him at some point.


The Bear:
The Bear is hairy.
The Bear is always very hungry.
The Bear roams campus with his cubs by his side.
The Bear eats in the cafeteria. But he doesn't like porridge
The Bear likes beans.
The Bear hibernates beneath the shady trees in the afternoon sun.
You must always beware of the Bear.

The Krankies: Unfortunately we don't have any 'fandabidozy' cross dressing midgets amongst our staff. These two maestras are so named because of their face covering dark glasses, furrowed brows and perma-scowls. Never a nod, never a raise of the eyebrows, and not so much as a hint of a smile. Kranky 2 is actually a neighbour of ours although a singular 'buenas tardes' is all we've ever gotten out of her.

The UNSIS brothers: The brothers are so named because of their penchant for university branded clothing. These three older gentleman of the English department stand around talking over each other excitedly and generally yukking it up with their matching baseball caps and polo shirts. Whilst their little skits remind me of a Marx brother movie, they actually look more like Bill Gates, Woody Allen and Rob Reiner.

The Cougar: A nice nutrition prof from Toluca recently joined the UNSIS ranks and had run into us English teachers a few times. Being from Mexico state she is a little lighter skinned and more glamorous than some of the other women. It had been bugging me who she looked like for a little while and when I thought of the well known character from American Pie I almost shouted "STIFLER'S MOM!!!" aloud. I had to control myself though as she speaks good English.

Stars in their eyes: Finding the picture of Paul Simon on Google actually made me laugh aloud. The now withered partner of Art Garfunkel is a dead ringer for one of the portly profs at the university. The Mexican Paul Simon drifts around campus in a state of constant doom and gloom. He looks so glum, the poor guy. Maybe one day he'll find that bridge over troubled water, or even better . . . his own Señora Robinson.

Another possible contestant of "UNISIS's Got Talent" could be our very own Mexican Susan Boyle (an admin woman). I don't know if she can knock out a half decent version of 'over the rainbow' but she sure bears more than a fleeting resemblance to the warbling Scottish prude. I wonder if any more famous crooners will join our ranks in the near future.


Student special: My nicknames for students tend to be a little more literal than the monikers I create for staff. It's more like a word association game.
Stomper
Miahuatlàn's hottest couple
The puffin
Fisher Price man
Pob
Trunchball,
and my new favourite - The Crazy Frog

Just before writing this post, The Crazy Frog was running around the class miming the word 'violent'. It was comedy gold. She has a tiny squished up froggy face, is about four feet tall and must weigh under 80 pounds. It was all I could do not to start making the motorbike noises as she frantically acted out the charade.

More adventures from the classroom next time.

You might like . . .